Trees: A Review

Trees are great. Don’t like ’em? Go outside, loser! Trees have been crucial to human existence ever since we crawled out of them as stinky, idiot primates. And here we are, stinkier, more idiot people for cutting them all down. If you don’t understand Trees, then you don’t understand life.

One great thing about Trees is that they can’t talk! Only the most dreadful creatures in literature are talking Trees. The Trees from the Lord of the Rings were warmongers, the Deku Tree from The Legend of Zelda is a secret dungeon, and those “ticket oak” commercials for StubHub are just embarrassing. If Trees could talk, this annoying planet would be about 100 times louder than it already is, and that would not be a planet I could live on.

Trees don’t grow money or concert tickets, but they grow fruit, which is way better than either of those stupid lame-ass, fake-ass things. Other great benefits of Trees: providing shade, allowing us to breathe, and eating their sweet sap (tree blood). Trees also have bark, which is super stronger than your puny skin! Bark is just Trees‘ insides turned out as it they get older; imagine your body, slowly exploding from your geometric center as new vitals pushed out old ones, toughening into hide.

Studies have shown that nearly 100% of poems have Trees. Basically what I’m saying is Trees have story appeal. Remember the first time you climbed Trees? The first time you swung from one? You know exactly what it felt like, and you always will until you get Alzheimer’s.

There is a kid on my block and every time I see him he’s eating McDonald’s in one hand with an iPod in the other blasting music through his headphones on his wheelie board playing air guitar. That kid is a piece of shit. That kid is trapped for eternity in his own little tweenworld while there were Trees he could have been climbing on instead.

One bad thing I would say about Trees: not enough of them!

A lot of people have died from Trees by being hanged from or nailed to them to atone the sins of mankind. We as people have always abused Trees, while Trees just sit there. Trees are sinless. People get mad when we blame Eve, a woman, for eating the fruit from the Garden of Eden. All I can say is this: it sure wasn’t the Trees’ fault! One of the most famous stories about our country’s first president, George Washington, was that he chopped down a cherry tree when he was a kid. Why would you do that? No wonder our country has problems—we admire this jerk!

But most importantly, I would give Trees four out of four stars because: No matter how good graphics get, a tree designer for video games will always be a hot commodity. Every great painter has drawn Trees. If you know how to talk, Trees was one of your first words. One time, you walked into a tree and broke your nose, or maybe one fell on your car. It was always your fault. These things happened because you took Trees for granted. Trees are beautiful, complex, and even better than PlayStation. Simply put: everybody should love Trees.

**** out of four stars